Top Gear

I spent most of last week throwing up, breaking fevers, and passing loose bowels while watching Top Gear. I decided I should share my favorite moments with you! Early 2000 sports cars, crappy hybrids, are what you'd expect on a solid car shop. But this is Top Gear. Superb photography, artistic edits, and humorous banter are the norm for a production this epic. My good friend YouTube nursed me back to health with a week's worth of 10 minute Top Gear clips. In the 5 posts below, you'll get to see some of my favorite finds—without enduring projectile vomit. Lucky you!

In a segment dedicated to 'Merican muscle cars, Jeremy Clarkson accidentally falls in love with a Corvette ZR1 and vows to buy one of his own. Apparently even Clarkson isn't immune to cheap plastic propelled by ungodly amounts of horsepower. What's probably most unusual is how he refers to the ZR1's looks as garish and overstated; he obviously hasn't been in contact with the American tuner crowd. The looks of the ZR1 is downright sedated by US standards.

Jeremy Clarkson doesn't like anything Ferrari's put out recently. Too many wires, computers and knobs are visible on the surface, distracting the driver from actually driving and instead focusing them on managing a dozen computer controls.

And then, he drives an Enzo. Despite being welded by a high-school freshman and having more computer controls that the original lunar module, the Enzo turns out to be an amazing car when you just shut-the-hell-up and drive it like a sports car.

Amazing looks and performance? Check. Luxury without wasted weight? Check. Crazy top speed? Double check.

Ferrari-like reliability issues? Remains to be seen. I'll tell you after I take delivery on my own Murcielago.

The Apollo S Gumpert is named like a German intestinal disease, looks like it was designed by SEGA of Japan, and seems to be even scarier to handle than a Konesiegg filled with Spitzer-quality whores—which incidentally would just be one woman, or two anorexic ones sharing a seat. Despite this, the Stig works his way through Richard Hammond's feeble modifications and pilots the Gumpert to Top Gear's fastest lap time. Shortly afterwards, fiberglass body kit sales tripled in the United States, yet AWD 500+ horsepower cars saw very little increase in sales. Go figure.

The R8 is arguably more Lamborghini than German, but at about half the price and similar performance, it didn't take Jeremy Clarkson long to vouch for the up and coming 2 seater. Although Top Gear is currently of the position that Audi has replaced BMW as the car "most likely driven by a dick," their stereotyping doesn't prevent Jeremy from blowing the doors off of a "Dick" in a Porsche.

One of my favorite Top Gear segments of all time, the boys take to the countryside to flog entry-level sports cars between trips to the pub. This much alcohol and driving would never make it to American television. Shame. The Clarkson champions my personal favorite, the original AP S2000, against a pair of competitors: The flame-styled BMW Z4 and the still-looks-like-every-other-Boxster Porsche. There's no technical analysis, which is good considering you'd get more speed out of an Mitsubishi Evolution for the same money.

Due to my daily submersion into all things eco-friendly, you can probably guess that the very hem of my soul has become frayed by the hollow ideology and self-righteous bigotry I often endure. What I love most about the Toyota Prius is that it is meant to be an embodiment of the entire green movement, allowing you to attack it with maximum effect. Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear performs flawlessly.