Being in a relationship involves many serious commitments. In mine, participation in exploratory conversations about the impact of lightsaber possession on the animal kingdom may be one such commitment. This semi-serious discussion was launched by a simple inquiry, "If each member was given a lightsaber, which species on earth would launch the most effective reign of terror?"

I adhered to the obvious and popular opinion that squirrels are best positioned to leverage their lightsaber skills. Their broad distribution, amazing agility, and patient observation of their surroundings would serve them well in their bid for planetary dominance. They are also well represented as action junkies.

Tina felt that a lightsaber would find better use in the hands of a monkey. Perhaps their experience with using tools would be a boon to the simians as they evolved from foraging for ants with twigs to decapitating humans with energy blades. The thought of monkeys quad-weilding lightsabers while dangling from their prehensile tails, like a deadly novelty ceiling fan, also crossed my mind.

What we did discover is that some creatures that are not rendered considerably more lethal when in possession of a lightsaber. A charging great white shark with its mouth agape simply isn't improved by having a lightsaber taped to its fin. It's not a question of function, but of lethality and intimidation. This started an explosion of discovery, which warranted the creation of a scale of lightsaber sensitivity. On the low end of this 1-to-10 scale are creatures that are made considerably more lethal by lightsaber possession, like baby humans and Big Bird. The other end of the scale, things that increase in lethality very little for their lightsaber skills, includes things like anacondas, Megatron, and life-ending space meteors. Illustrations to follow.

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